Gracie Allen

Appliance salesman:  You’ll like this range. For instance, you
put in a roast, you set the oven control, then you go out all
day. When you come home at night, the roast is done.
Gracie:  Haven’t you got one where I don’t have to go out?

Funny Quotes

Funny QuotesOnce, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. 
- W. C. Fields 1879-1946, American Actor
Funny Jokes

Funny Quotes – On Grandma

On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, ‘Sexy Senior Citizen.’ You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
- Andy Rooney
Funny Jokes

Funny Quotes – Oscar Levant

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it.
- Oscar Levant