Invention

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
Dave Barry

Life

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on.”
Robert Frost

Teenagers

Bringing up teenagers is like sweeping back ocean waves with a frazzled broom — the inundation of outside influences never stops. Whatever the lure — cars, easy money, cigarettes, drugs, booze, sex, crime — much that glitters along the shore has a thousand times the appeal of a parent’s lecture.
Mary Ellen Snodgrass

Fighters

“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do
freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”
George Carlin

Funny Quotes – Holidays

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.
Henny Youngman

Funny Quotes – Housework

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers